Long Term Relationship Material
Do you want to know if the person you are dating is long term relationship material?
Sure, you can live with them, meet their friends, learn about previous relationships and algorithmically extrapolate whether or not they are “long term material”. These are all just fine, but let’s be honest, some of us are in a rush.
My recommendation is to forgo the above list. It is time consuming and who knows if you are getting the right answers. My recommendation: Attend a timeshare presentation, together. You will learn more about your prospective partners character, financial goals, family aspirations, tolerance for being insulted & position on 1950s gender stereotypes in 90 minutes or less.
A Timeshare
A timeshare is a way for a number of people to share ownership of a property, usually a vacation property such as a condominium unit within a resort area. Each buyer usually purchases a certain period of time in a particular unit. Timeshares typically divide the property into one- to two-week periods.
Our Story:
I had known my boyfriend at the time for a little over 3 months. We had transitioned from a fling to a semi-serious thing fairly quickly and decided it was an appropriate time to take our first trip together.
During this stage of my life I had been traveling a lot for my job. One of the only upsides of being on the road so much was the points. I had accumulated a healthy number of loyalty points that secured us a lovely hotel at the base of a Colorado ski mountain. The hotel thanked me for my loyalty with a room upgrade, a gourmet gift basket, and an “exclusive invitation” to a “once in a lifetime” 90 minute timeshare presentation (which came with 20k additional points).
Did we sign us up? Absolutely. We were scheduled for 7pm the following evening.
We did not know what to expect, but the experience yielded so much more than an additional 20k points. It was a crash course in getting to know more about my boyfriend.
Stage 1: The Sales Pitch
Our presentation kicked off with an overzealous man whose enthusiasm was almost as irritating as his pronunciation of Barcelona: “Barthelona”. His objective was to sell us on the magic a timeshare could bring to our lives and hoped we would sign up right then and there.
His sales tactic was unlike any I had seen before. He spent the entire presentation pacing back and forth, weaving in and out of telling us about the timeshare, and asking bizarrely personal questions: Timeshare fact. Do you want kids? Timeshare fact. Timeshare fact. How much money do you make? Timeshare fact. Have you ever been divorced?
My boyfriend and I took a collective minute to figure out whether this man was just nervous or in some sort of imminent danger. Ten thousand paces later he pulled out a financial sheet and gave it to my boyfriend, looked him in the eye and said if he paid $20k today, he would be closer to securing his wife's (my) happiness, because you know "happy wife = happy life”. (Nervous laughter).
We think he was in danger.
What I learned about him Stage 1 Takeaways:
Not misogynistic
Fiscally responsible
Wants children
Never divorced
Boyfriends Response: No thank you, I don’t think this is a good choice for us. Plus, she paid for the hotel and works, I think you should be talking to her, too.
Stage 2: Let’s “Cut the B*ullshit” Pitch
The first guy didn’t seal the deal, so they sent in the straight shooter. A no nonsense woman who frankly, scared the sh*t out of me. She had the presence of an alpha bulldog whose face had been leathered, in her case likely branded, by the sun. She smelled of cigarettes, and her hoarse, laryngitic voice convinced me that her expertise was in sniffing out your biggest weakness and then using it to destroy you. She sat down and immediately pulled out a piece of paper and started aggressively scribbling some illegible numbers while mumbling why we would be “jackasses” to pass up this offer. She began to press my boyfriend about his career, salary, and ambitions. My presence was only acknowledged when she asserted how successful men (who she has sold many timeshares to) never pass up this deal. “Do you consider yourself a successful man?”; now to me “Do you consider your man successful ?”. If we signed up today, her offer price was only $5k.
He remained calm. I almost fainted.
What I learned about him Stage 2 Takeaways:
Not a pushover
Good at math & logic
Does not appear to sweat
Boyfriends Response: None of this makes sense. I am not going to write you a check for something you wrote on a piece of scratch paper. This is not for us.
Stage 3: The “Last Resort” Pitch
I read somewhere that animators often use real people as their source of inspiration because art usually imitates life. This is what leads me to believe that the next guy sent in was the actual man who inspired Peter Griffin. A round man with a peculiar chin & a vacant look. Now, this may be an exaggeration of my memory, but all I remember was that he walked in and point blank asked us for $500. When we said no, he responded in a befuddled tone “You are telling me, you don’t even have $500 dollars?”...“what? no”. He stared at us for what felt like an eternity and then slowly backed out of the room.
What I learned about him Stage 3 Takeaways:
Humor for absurd situation
Knows when to leave
Goal oriented: Keeps his eye on the prize - points!
Boyfriends Response: Let’s leave. But make sure we get our points.
The Aftermath:
Needless to say “investing” in a timeshare was not the right move for us. We both came out of that 65 minute presentation feeling a bit different than when we had entered: My boyfriend left feeling extremely humored and slightly defiled by the absurdity of what had just happened, I on the other hand just felt one thing: I was now in love.
The next week I introduced him to my parents. We are now married.
